Dear Baby...

Dear Baby,

Hi, it's your mom. We met for the first time about 9 months ago, but you probably don't remember. That's okay; it's etched into my mind forever. I’ve thought about writing you a letter for a really long time and with some inspiration from a blogger, I’m doing it. Nevermind that it's the day before your birth - seeing as how you've decided that staying in my belly and starting the multiple "middle of the night wake Mommy up's" should start before you ever come out - is the way to start out your life.

First, I want to say what a wild ride you've put your dad and I through these past months. It seems like I've seen more doctors this year than I have in the entirety of my life. I tell you this, not to make you feel bad, but to show you how much we've been worrying and caring for your arrival into this crazy world. Your dad has been stressing out about your arrival and getting giddy about it from the start. I mean, most dads care, but so much of what I've read says that guys just don't "feel" the pregnancy until the baby is actually out! Not your dad, he's a good one. You're going to love him so much; it actually scares me a bit. Unfortunately, his soft spot for you is already so big; I can see it may cause issues between the two of us in the future. We've vowed not to fight in front of you, though, so hopefully you won't even know! A word of warning: playing the two of us against each other may seem like the best way to get something you want (and it may work a time or two), but I'm a quick learner and I guarantee you won't be wanting to do that after too long. It's for your own happiness, I promise!

I cannot believe you are inside of me right now (despite the fact that your hands are in my hip bones and your feet are lodged in my arm pits... on all sides). I am so scared that I won't take good enough care of you. I know other moms do it with flying colors, but I really don't know how cut out I am for this! When you can count to 10, you'll know how many diapers we had to change in a day. Yep, it's a lot. Add this to the feeding, burping, learning, teaching, reading, comforting, not comforting, putting down, picking up...I'm going to try my best, but I can guarantee there will be times when you will want more from me. There's a lot of patience involved in the whole “having a baby thing" and I'm going to be honest, it's not my strongest personality trait. In fact, I'd say it's probably at the bottom of the list. I'm told you will teach me this throughout my time as your mom, I really hope so. I need a lesson.

I want you to know that I am going to mess a lot of stuff up with you during your lifetime. I will try to know what's best and steer you in the right direction, but I make a lot of mistakes. I hope you will love me anyway. I promise to try my best to make home a place where you want to be. When I was getting into my "independent years," I wanted to be as far away from home as possible and I don't want you guys to feel like that. I have thought long and hard about what will make home a place you always want to be. This will be a very large goal for me during your lifetime, we'll see what happens. I also want to have the kind of relationship with you where you know you can always count on me to be there...no matter what. In truth, I haven't even seen your face and I already know there isn't a thing on this planet I wouldn't do for you (within reason, clearly I'm not going to help you score drugs or something like that). If you are ever in a bind, I hope you'll respect, love and trust me and your dad enough to let us know. It will be a great moment in parenthood for us when you guys call us to get you out of a situation that you're not comfortable in. Just know, we always will. That's what parents do.

A word of warning: If you plan on playing practical jokes, do it to your dad, not your mom (again, I'm a quick learner...I'm just sayin').

If I had to guess, I'd say you're about a 36 hours away from meeting us. I am not prepared. I have done everything I can think of to make myself feel like I'm ready, but I'm not. I'm going to need a lot of help from a lot of people. At first, I'm going to be depending on your dad and my mom.

Your maternal grandparents, Oma and Papa, love you so much already. I think we'll be visiting them quite a bit because they're so close. I have a pretty awesome family so you'll be sure to have TONS of attention from this group. I talk to your Oma almost every day to make sure things are “right” and that I’m getting everything taken care of that I should I know she is so excited she is to hold you! Who can blame her? I think sometimes I might have to fight her to get you back. Though you’re not the first, she's been looking forward to being a grandma for a lot of years(you're the 10th grandchild by the way!). I pray my brothers and sister will be great uncles/aunt to you. Hopefully, when you can't reach out to your dad and I, you will feel comfortable going to them. You'll probably have thousands of memories of your cousin Addison and friend Johnny Sarlo. You guys are pretty close in age and I can imagine you'll be great friends growing up. You’ll also get to meet and be loved by my biological mom, Sheri, and her awesome family. She is so over the moon excited about you joining our family! There are so many people are going to love you unconditionally, like me and dad will. You can always count on them. They're your family. I have so many great memories of my childhood with my family, I promise to try to make the same experience come to fruition for you.

Your paternal grandparents (who don’t have names yet – you’ll get to pick them), and that side of the family, are also totally in love with you already. Almost everyone lives in Northern California, so they won’t be around much in the beginning. But, we’ll work hard to make sure you get to visit them at least once a year - hopefully much more than that. You’re the first grandbaby for your Dad’s parents. They’re all pretty excited about it too. I know that when we go to visit, it will be a struggle for me to have any time with you. That’s okay though. You’ll be going home with me and your Dad so we’ll be able to make up for it. I really believe that you’ll be comfortable around them and going to them for help. I’m sure you’ll be very familiar with your Uncle Thomas because he lives so close to us (but be careful – he’s almost guaranteed to get you into some kind of fun trouble!). Your Aunt Kimberlee does too, but she’s really busy with life right now.

On a final note, I want to tell you what a blessing you are to me. I am going to do my best to take in all the small moments with you so I can share the details with you later. I look forward to all the firsts (steps, words, teeth, days of school, school plays) and I can't wait to encourage your talents. I will take an excessive amount of photos of you throughout your years; I hope you'll love me in spite of this! I can't wait to meet your teachers, go on field trips, meet your future friends, see you dressed in your scout uniforms, meet your future spouses and be grandma to your babies. You have changed my life forever. I will not be the same person I was before you came into my life. Of this, I am positive. I'm ready for the changes. I'm ready for the laughs and I'm ready for the tears. I promise that, no matter what, I will try to be the best mom in the entire world. I won't be, but I will get up every day trying my hardest. You are my proudest accomplishment. I still can't believe your dad and I made you. No two people on the entire planet could have come together to create you, just us. Let's be a happy family. I want this more than I have ever wanted anything in my existence.

I love you in places I've never loved before...in places I didn't know existed.

Love, Mom